Clearly I have a problem

Last night I had a black bean burger and some doritos for dinner. And then I had another black bean burger and some more doritos. And then I had another black bean burger and some more doritos. And then all the burgers were gone. It was so good, so delicious with colby jack cheese. I just wanted more. Plus, it was 'my day'. An afternoon to myself to enjoy the Spring weather, read a trashy romance novel, and eat some delicious dinner. Emphasis on the delicious dinner.

Yeah. How about emphasis on the excrutiating stomach ache that followed? I had to be up early this morning to go to work and at 11:30 at night (three hours after I had gone to bed) I was still uncomfortably sick. Finally I gave in and threw up. I hate throwing up. Theres pretty much nothing worse than sitting on your knees in front of the toilet while your stomach seizes and a stream of hot liquid erupts uncontrollably. I have a steely control over my gag reflex. I hate it so much that I do everything to keep from throwing up. But last night I ate so much that the only relief required that I empty my stomach. Thirty minutes later, with a sore stomach and toxic taste in my mouth, I was finally able to get to sleep.

Who does that? It's like my brain stops working while I eat and eat and eat as much as I can. And then, like last night, I'm beyond uncomfortably full - I'm SICK! I don't know what to do about it. It scares me to death. It feels like I can't trust myself! I know I need to eat better. My weight has been climbing for the last few months and I'm almost back up to my highest weight. How can there be such a disconnect between what I want (to be a normal weight, to eat normally) and what I do (overeat when I'm alone, decide I'm too tired to exercise, 'treat' myself regularly)?

After such an upsetting wake up call last night...I'm facing the same difficulty today. How is that possible? Why is it so hard to resist? Is a black bean burger with colby jack cheese REALLY THAT delicious? That sounds ridiculous, so weird. I cracked into a new box of the burgers and ate one for dinner, along with a handful of chips and followed it up with a drumstick ice cream. I don't really think I'm hungry. I know I'm not. Well, I'm pretty sure I'm not. I'm definitely not starving. But it is taking every ounce of restraint to prevent myself from cooking up another burger or grabbing another drumstick. And that's today, with yesterdays episode so fresh in my brain. What will I do in a week when the *Want* puts me into a mindless daze that I don't wake up from until an hour later when I've once again eaten myself far past the point of comfort.

I don't really know what to do.